1 Second Everyday: November 26 - December 27

December is crazy for everyone.  I get that.  But if you work at a toy store in December, it is a special kind of crazy.  The month started with singing, dancing and music at the North BurLINKton talent show that I helped organize and volunteered at.  Being backstage with the artists was a lot of fun. The event raised over $600.  The money paid for Christmas dinner for many families.  Other highlights from the month include dinner with friends where we promised to get together more or at least plan one joint camping trip this summer.  We celebrated my brother Jon's 50th birthday with a surprise party.  Other celebrations included cheering on Charlie at his Christmas Concert and bursting with pride when Josh finally passed his G1 licence.  Now to get him behind the wheel!  I counted down the days until Kenzie finished writing her exams and all  five members of my family were once again under the same roof. She worked so hard those last few weeks.  I am so proud of the way she handled herself.  And oh yeah, it was Christmas too.  It was a month of awesome celebrations spaced between days of getting shit done.  I am also sure that without this project most of it would have passed by in a blur.  

1 Second a Day - October - November

Pumpkins, Halloween and road hockey put to the music of Kiss.  It was quite a month.  

A Year Of Seconds

When I gave up my Picture a Day project, I was ready to.  The daily commitment of taking a picture and writing about it was growing thin.  I began to feel I had captured and commented of just about every aspect of our lives.  

But then I missed it.  Not the work of doing it, but I missed having a record of days.  So when I saw people recording their daily seconds, I thought that this might be a something that I could handle.  I'm so glad I did.  

Here is 365 of our seconds smooshed together.  

Summer Round Up

We began the Summer 2015 with one of the best camping trips we have had in a long time.  Papa joined us and the weekend was full of games, laughter and fun.

The next big thing that happened was that Josh graduated high school.  He worked hard for this and has grown up so much this past year.  We got him a pocket watch to mark the occasion.  Josh is going back for a victory lap, then who knows?  The future is yours for the taking buddy.  Way to Go.  xo

Charlie had his tenth birthday this summer.  Our littlest man is not so little anymore.  We celebrated his birthday with a Glow in the Dark party at home.  I was worried that it was going to be a wash out, but the rain stopped and the boys were able to launch water bottle rockets and have scooter races outside.  They also had a photo booth, a Nerf Gun fight, pizza and cake.  I was happy to hear a couple of boys saying that it was the best party ever as they left.

Once school was out it was time for our annual family camping trip.  This year we went to Silent Lake Provincial Park.  It was a beautiful park.  I especially loved being back on the Canadian Shield. It reminded me of my childhood at Leonard Lake.

There has been so much change this year.  Charlie is the big kid now and the big kids are on the verge of adulthood.  Josh has graduated high school and has a part time job, Kenzie has moved into residence at Fanshawe College.   Things are changing faster than I'd like to admit.  Both John and I are proud of where our kids are going and a little sad that this magical time with them is coming to an end.

These Small Hours Still Remain

I have put off thinking about the goodbye, but the closer we get to moving day, the harder it is to ignore the fact that my girl is leaving home for the first time.  She is ready for this, but I feel the same way I did before she was born.  Just like I couldn't imagine what our day to day life would look like together, I am having a hard time imagining what life will look like without our daily interactions.

 

Some advice for you as you go:

1. open your heart to new friendships, but be selective to opening your heart to new "loves"
2. for god's sake be sanitary. 
3. be patient with yourself, your teachers, new ideas
4. have faith in yourself.  you are more capable than you know. 
5. water.booze.water.booze
6. you are happiest when you move your body. make time for your workouts
7. its a line of credit: you have to pay it back.
8. show up for class. and do your homework.  don't be a Sunday night essay writer.  
9. bathrooms and fridges are best cleaned weekly - don't be gross. 
10. call home.  

inspired.

its hard to say what has inspired me to sit down and write today.  what do i want to share today that i havent wanted to share for the last six months or so

i havent sat doen to write a blog post in so long.  my creativity has found other, more private forms.  ive spent the better part of last year, exploring - sometimes by myself, sometimes with my best friend.  ive opened up to possibilities.  instead of capturing my life with digital images, i have painted, with brushstrokes.  

with paint, and words, and pens, i found a new kind of expression.  a new way to find my voice. new pathways to explore.  and ive wanted to do this quietly - sharing what i discovered about my life, myself and my dreams with select few.  

this time has felt like a rebirth.  new.  sweet.  optimistic. 

i keep asking myself how do i want to feel. 

eager, playful, soulful, alive.  
courageous, bold, free.  
loved, connected, inspired.  

if this quiet exploration has reveled anything to me it is this:  trust the journey. 

the other this i was surprised to learn about myself is that i want to inspire.  
i want to lift people up and encourage. 

i wish to breathe life into people.  
empower them to believe in their dreams. their creativity. 
to paint their own picture, to tell their own story.  

Being Real

When I turned 40 I wrote a kick ass post about what 40 was going to look like for me.

I was excited for forty and wanted to meet it with a clear sense of who I was.  I wanted to be present.  I stopped writing publicly and started to art journal.  In a way I was meeting my grown up self for the first time.  

What did I want? (time, space, connections) 
What did I crave? (chocolate cake and coffee was really about sweetness,softness and energy.)
What made me greedy and when was I generous. 
And above all else How did I want to Feel?  
Capable.  Sensual.  Playful.  Connected.  Brave.  Curious.  Worthy.  Free.  

I felt that there were parts of my life that were the exact opposite of how I wanted to feel.  Every day I got farther and farther away from how I wanted to feel.  I wasn't being true to myself.  

So I started over.  I quit my job. I distanced myself from negative people.  I signed up for a COLLEGE course.  I made real, tangible goals for myself.  Everyday I did a little bit more to make me feel a little more authentic.  

A look at my authentic life...

Working for Play

Where do you invest your energy?  

This spring, all of our energy, all of our resources were put into a backyard pool.  Having a pool was more about cooling down on a hot day.  For us, a pool was another place to come together and connect; a cool oasis for us to laugh and play with each other.  We needed an easy place to let loose.  A magical space where we could be drawn in, where time would fly and silliness and shenanigans were the only name of the game.  A place were we wanted to leave our toys out so we could come back and spontaneously play once more.  But all that play required work first.

Up until this spring our backyard had a severe slope.  So even though we had enough space to put a pool in, our backyard wasn't suitable.  Sure, we could have an "on ground" pool installed, if we could afford it.  And last year we got quotes for retaining walls, another option that was out of our financial comfort zone.  But we weren't ready to give up.  We decided we wanted it badly enough to do the work ourselves.  

While John was working a busy on call, I started to dig up the backyard.  I didn't get very far, but I got far enough that we were committed.  The next day, we went to Home Depot and rented a sod ripper.  John removed a 15x30 foot section of grass.  There was definitely no turning back now!  With a shiny new shovel in each of our five hands, we went to work.  Bit by bit, and with John and Josh doing most of the heavy work, the slope was leveled.  Next step was building a wall to hold all of that newly moved earth.  On the following weekend, (the hottest of the year) the timber was delivered, hauled to the backyard and built into walls.

We were ready to play.

I think that the work has made the play sweeter.  Working together towards a common goal has brought us closer together and formed new connections between us.  We have a greater respect for our own strengths and skills, as well as for each others'.  Brene Brown says, "Playing is intense engagement in our lives."  I have to agree with her.  Playing with my family makes me feel intensely engaged with what matters most to me.  Loving Connections.  

Josh and Charlie diving for their squids.  

Kenzie girl on her pink floatie.  

John enjoying his family. 

boys being boys. 

Mr.Josh

sweet kenzie b. 

charlie chillin. 

Because we haven't finished the backyard landscaping, there is still lots of mud, and the mud wasps have been busy making nests.  Mud wasps are not aggressive, and they are fascinating to watch build.  The nest is constructed one row of mud at a time and comes together pretty quickly.  

John cooking lunch for us. 

A Look at Eight.

Eight was

• neon shirts and shoes
• ball hockey
• learning how to skate
• running at track and at cross country
• adult teeth in a child's mouth
• mustaches 
• soccer
• Mine Craft
• Movies 
• Nerf Gun Wars
• tying your own shoes 
• getting in the shower by yourself ( a man needs his privacy!) 
• catching on to the adult humour 
• homework and responsibility 
• being big enough for the cats to find your lap as acceptable 
• long, lanky and cool 
• the year you were no longer "Baby Charlie" and became a kid.
• more street wise: just because so and so said it, no longer means that you believe them 

Happy Birthday Charlie, xo

Breathe

For the last few years, I have chosen one little word to guide me through the next 365 days.  This year I didn't choose a word, but rather on a cold winter day, the word choose me. 

the silver maple keys rustle against the cold blue sky.

she tilts her face upwards,

her eyes close but her mind opens 

she knows that this breathing space 

will save her.

with a hungry lust she reminds herself to savour; 

to slow down - to delight in 

the cold air that 

tickles and swells into 

the cavity of her chest.  

she holds it there and 

for the moment she is

full, aware, clean and still. 

suspended in the moment where her soul 

warmed the winter's day.

and then when the abundance 

becomes a burden  

she begins to release.

slowly, almost shyly she

lets go, opens her eyes 

and is renewed.    

dear kenzie,

I’m sitting here with a heart bursting full of emotion and a mind overwhelmed by it all.  I wish I could convey to you just how surprised your dad and I are that the years between kindergarten and grade 12 passed by so quickly.  

When I look at you I see the beautiful strong woman you are becoming and I see all the versions of you that you have been. 

You are the curious baby girl who was full of wonder and happiest when she was held looking out on her world.  
You are the sweet toddler who would enthusiastically greet each new day with a cheerful “Mommy, the sun is up!”  
You are the preschooler with the golden curls who found new ways every day to get messy, explore and learn new things.  
You are the girl with the thick glasses and scraped legs who kept getting back on her bike no matter how many times she fell off.  
You the girl who refused to be confined and longed to be independent. You are the girl who stands her ground and fights for what she believes in, even if it meant marching into the principals office in protest.  
You are brave and bold.  
You are authentic.  
You are emerging. 

“The world is your oyster”.   

There are so many opportunities for you to explore.  Don't be overwhelmed by it all instead:
Be curious.  
Be full of wonder.  
Be happy.
Be enthusiastic.
Get messy.  Explore.  Keep learning.  
Get back up ( which means you have to try and fail first - you have permission to fail )
Be yourself.  Stretch your boundaries.  Stand your ground.  Believe in yourself.  
Be brave.  Be bold.  
Be authentic.
Emerge.  

We love you and couldn't be prouder.  
 xoxo. 

My First Texture Tuesday - Free and Easy.

For my first time playing along in Kim Klassen's Texture Tuesday link up, the theme was Free and Easy.  Who doesn't like free and easy?  Those two words equal fun, so I paired cheerful pink daisies with a couple of my favourite lighthearted and playful quotes.  

This Is Forty

I hated the movie "This is Forty."  I found it so offensive that I actually turned it off half way through.  If forty looked like my husband faking a bowel movement to hide from me than I wanted nothing to do with it.  I knew that MY forty would look nothing like the movie.

so this is my forty...

  For me forty is all about redefining myself.  Not because I am unsatisfied with any particular aspect of my life but because my life is changing and I either have to adapt to those changes or get stuck in old ways and thinking patterns that no longer serve me.  

This is a time full of possibilities and promise.  There is excitement and passion that lights up my mornings.  Mostly this feeling is exhilarating, but every so often that excitement turns into anxiety and I have to remind myself to breathe through the discomfort.  When I lean into that discomfort, I am aware that the willingness to embrace uncertainty as well as joy and love takes a wide open heart full of courage.

  Forty gives me a broader depth of awareness about the world and myself.  I am more aware of how my thoughts, behaviors and actions ripple outwards and eventually, make their way back to me.  Not always, but more often than ever before I am able to accept that which I can not control.  That acceptance brings inner peace and grace.

    There is now a depth and maturity to my marriage.  Our kids are growing up and becoming more and more independent.  Parenting no longer takes so much effort and we have time to date again.  Dating my husband is great; I get the thrill of a boyfriend with the rich trust of a soul mate.  

  At forty, my body is both softer and stronger. I judge less and I am more flexible.  I may not have the brute strength of my twenties but my body has a well being that it hasn't experienced since childhood days of riding my bike or swimming in the lake.   Forty is more play, more laughter and a lighter heart.  Forty is an acceptance of my unique body and beauty.  

  Forty is the best of both worlds.  Forty is the middle ground where I are able to look back be thankful for the fullness of my life and at the same time I look forward to the possibilities that I want to create.  

reach for the sky

Today was my short day at work this week.  As always, on my short day I stuffed to much into it.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  
Anyways, I'm edging closer and closer towards my goal of opening my Etsy shop!!  

Belonging vs. Fitting In

Fitting is becoming who you think you need to be in order to be accepted.   

Belonging is being your authentic self and knowing that no matter what happens, you belong to you. 

                                                                                                         Brene Brown

- and now here I am...

The only thing I hate more than failing is failing publicly.  And since I haven't posted a picture in a long, long time it's painfully obvious that I failed my fourth 365.  I let everyone and myself down.  This post could be considered an excuse or and explanation but hopefully more an insight to how I was feeling during that time I was away.  

Writing is hard and it takes time.
  
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out through writing or sing in writing, then don't write because our culture has no use for it."   - Anais Nin 

I know this and I was committed because regardless of how difficult the process I love the results.  I write to share and be heard; I write to put my unique story out into the universe.  If you are wondering - there wasn't a single moment where I said, "That's it! I quit!"  I missed a week in December, then another and another.  Catching up became and overwhelming task.  My blog, my labor of love became work.  Work that I resented - work that I rebelled against.  I wanted to play.  I wanted to rest.  I wanted to just enjoy the moment and not write a book report on it.  In my anger and rebellion I forgot to see the light.  I lost my own light. 

I tried to fake it.  I tried to put on the mask.  But each attempt made me more bitter.  I was angry at everything: the weather, lupus, my feet, work, family, friends even the freaking Tupperware drawer that would not close.  I was drowning in anger.  I pushed away those who loved me most.  My relationships were cracking and I felt more alone than I have in a long time.  Maybe it was just a severe case of the winter blues, but  when I couldn't bear it anymore I sought out help.

- and now here I am.  

Ready to come back.  Not for another 365 - but ready to regain my voice. I feel shy and hesitant but I want to share again.  
  

Smoke Free - By The Numbers.

• 134 -  days being smoke free.
• 2376 - cigarettes resisted.
• 8 - pounds gained.
• 5 - pounds lost.
• 3 - major temper tantrums 
• 4 - days spent in full mental breakdown mode.
• 5 - sessions with a qualified therapist (see above.) 
• $1046 - saved. 
• 23 - days of life expectancy gained.
• 1 - exercise program implemented
• 2 - hours I can stay awake longer each day.

november 23 - december 10

Saturday November 23, 2013.

The day started and ended with the love of my family - what happened in between shouldn't matter.

85/365

Sunday November 24, 2013.

I didn't know how much I needed the space.

86/365

Monday November 26, 2013.

His creative soul continues to inspire me to try new ways of thinking.

87/365

Tuesday November 26, 2013.

I know that I have seen this and captured it before; the first snow still holds magic for me.

88/365

Wednesday November 27, 2013.

The excitement of the kids on the playground was palpable.  Rules were broken and snow flew through the air.

89/365

Thursday November 28, 2013.

Unedited Potential.

90/365

Friday November 29, 2013.

The men in my life warm my heart.  They are good in every sense of the word.

91/365

Saturday November 30, 2013.

I've had to learn to let go and accept my limitations.  In saying goodbye I've made room for new traditions.

92/365

Sunday December 1, 2013.

Today I felt their love and pride.

93/365

Monday December 2, 2013.

I was impressed by his art, even if I wasn't impressed with the medium.

94/365

Tuesday December 3, 2013.

Sometimes I forget that while he will always stand beside me, it's not up to him to carry the heaviness I feel.

95/365

Wednesday December 4, 2013.

HERS - Actually it was his but he was kind enough to share.

96/365

Thursday December 5, 2013.

His happiness and good nature is contagious.

97/365

Friday December 6, 2013.

Even in the midst of a crazy busy season, it is important for me to remember, revisit and reflect on the reverberations of  2013 and project on 2014.

98/365

Saturday December 7, 2013.

It should always be this easy.

99/365

Sunday December 8, 2013. 

John and Charlie were put the lights and garland on the tree so that we could decorate it that evening. By the time we finished dinner we all decided that watching a Christmas movie together was about all the excitement we could handle.

99/365

Monday December 9, 2013.

I haven't officially gotten the flu that is going around, but by the end of the day I felt exhausted and bare.

101/365

Tuesday December 10, 2013.

The gift wrap room.  Enter at own risk!

102/365