This Is Forty

I hated the movie "This is Forty."  I found it so offensive that I actually turned it off half way through.  If forty looked like my husband faking a bowel movement to hide from me than I wanted nothing to do with it.  I knew that MY forty would look nothing like the movie.

so this is my forty...

  For me forty is all about redefining myself.  Not because I am unsatisfied with any particular aspect of my life but because my life is changing and I either have to adapt to those changes or get stuck in old ways and thinking patterns that no longer serve me.  

This is a time full of possibilities and promise.  There is excitement and passion that lights up my mornings.  Mostly this feeling is exhilarating, but every so often that excitement turns into anxiety and I have to remind myself to breathe through the discomfort.  When I lean into that discomfort, I am aware that the willingness to embrace uncertainty as well as joy and love takes a wide open heart full of courage.

  Forty gives me a broader depth of awareness about the world and myself.  I am more aware of how my thoughts, behaviors and actions ripple outwards and eventually, make their way back to me.  Not always, but more often than ever before I am able to accept that which I can not control.  That acceptance brings inner peace and grace.

    There is now a depth and maturity to my marriage.  Our kids are growing up and becoming more and more independent.  Parenting no longer takes so much effort and we have time to date again.  Dating my husband is great; I get the thrill of a boyfriend with the rich trust of a soul mate.  

  At forty, my body is both softer and stronger. I judge less and I am more flexible.  I may not have the brute strength of my twenties but my body has a well being that it hasn't experienced since childhood days of riding my bike or swimming in the lake.   Forty is more play, more laughter and a lighter heart.  Forty is an acceptance of my unique body and beauty.  

  Forty is the best of both worlds.  Forty is the middle ground where I are able to look back be thankful for the fullness of my life and at the same time I look forward to the possibilities that I want to create.  

reach for the sky

Today was my short day at work this week.  As always, on my short day I stuffed to much into it.  Why do I feel the need to do that?  
Anyways, I'm edging closer and closer towards my goal of opening my Etsy shop!!  

Belonging vs. Fitting In

Fitting is becoming who you think you need to be in order to be accepted.   

Belonging is being your authentic self and knowing that no matter what happens, you belong to you. 

                                                                                                         Brene Brown

- and now here I am...

The only thing I hate more than failing is failing publicly.  And since I haven't posted a picture in a long, long time it's painfully obvious that I failed my fourth 365.  I let everyone and myself down.  This post could be considered an excuse or and explanation but hopefully more an insight to how I was feeling during that time I was away.  

Writing is hard and it takes time.
  
"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out through writing or sing in writing, then don't write because our culture has no use for it."   - Anais Nin 

I know this and I was committed because regardless of how difficult the process I love the results.  I write to share and be heard; I write to put my unique story out into the universe.  If you are wondering - there wasn't a single moment where I said, "That's it! I quit!"  I missed a week in December, then another and another.  Catching up became and overwhelming task.  My blog, my labor of love became work.  Work that I resented - work that I rebelled against.  I wanted to play.  I wanted to rest.  I wanted to just enjoy the moment and not write a book report on it.  In my anger and rebellion I forgot to see the light.  I lost my own light. 

I tried to fake it.  I tried to put on the mask.  But each attempt made me more bitter.  I was angry at everything: the weather, lupus, my feet, work, family, friends even the freaking Tupperware drawer that would not close.  I was drowning in anger.  I pushed away those who loved me most.  My relationships were cracking and I felt more alone than I have in a long time.  Maybe it was just a severe case of the winter blues, but  when I couldn't bear it anymore I sought out help.

- and now here I am.  

Ready to come back.  Not for another 365 - but ready to regain my voice. I feel shy and hesitant but I want to share again.  
  

Smoke Free - By The Numbers.

• 134 -  days being smoke free.
• 2376 - cigarettes resisted.
• 8 - pounds gained.
• 5 - pounds lost.
• 3 - major temper tantrums 
• 4 - days spent in full mental breakdown mode.
• 5 - sessions with a qualified therapist (see above.) 
• $1046 - saved. 
• 23 - days of life expectancy gained.
• 1 - exercise program implemented
• 2 - hours I can stay awake longer each day.